Dearest Womb – I know – friggin’ weird right?!
I am sorry we had to part company but you and me – it just wasn’t working out. I needed to get my life back and you were destroying me. I do miss US and what we could create together. I sometimes miss the way you made me feel. You were so punishing and relentless though and I simply could not take any more. You hurt me to my very core.
Your turned me into a complete and utter bitch. It tore at my heart to be so bloody evil. Scream so loud you get spots in front of your eyes bitch. Over anything, over nothing. I could not think straight, could not even remember the person I was.
What a funny old relationship we had. Right from the off you burdened me with those horrifc periods. I was 13 – seriously did they have to be that bad? I blame you for my epic fail at GCSEs as I could not concentrate for the the constant fear of bleeding through to my school chair through the brick of a santiary towel. Mental torture. Ok perhaps boys were to blame or maybe it was the fact I did not revise. Alright. I give you that one. I fucked the GCSEs up all by myself. You made life tricky though.
We did however get through four pregnancies together and for that I will always be so very gateful. When I say got through I mean we scraped through by the skin of our teeth. I suppose I cannot blame you for three lots of Pre-Ecampsia but that fucking huge heamatoma putting me on bed rest from nine weeks – yes nine frigging weeks did really take the piss though. I had barely finished the conception FFS! Three children to look after and not being able to move without creating a murder scene was pretty insane! Four children though. Nothing can take that away from us.
After babies things just went from bad to worse. I honestly felt like you hated me. Periods got longer and longer, seemingly never ending. As if having four children was not enough to keep me from ever having sex with the Hubster again you decide that 3 out of 4 weeks of the month I should have some form of period. The hormones that came with it, the exhaustion – you were killing my marriage. I could barely exist as a woman let alone be a Mother or wife.
It was big though. Having the old lady op at 39 just two weeks before my 40th was not quite the big 4-0 I had imagined. In my head I was thinking more lying on a beach in the Bahamas and less surgical stockings and horrific trapped wind!
It was and I can now say this nearly two years on – the right decision. We needed to part. Physically I bounced back so fast. I astounded myself. I felt awake. I felt light. I felt alive. I know how dramatic that sounds but it is true but I realise now, I missed you. I felt like a woman when we were together and after you left I struggled. I did not want any more children. I mean Mr INPO had the snip a few years back and the sight of babies did not make my heart hurt.
I just felt old and empty. In simple terms I felt sad. Sad we had to part. It felt like I was leaving Motherhood behind for some reason and so you still had some control on my life.
Over time and once I embraced the sadness though. Boom. Hand on heart I feel fabulous and I do not miss you one bit!! II had to grieve for you though. I know right? Grieving for my own womb sounds pretty bonkers but I am here to tell you though that life without you is incredible.
So I am shouting out to all my hystersistas out there.
I am still a Mother, I am still a wife, I am still a WOMAN!
Now I want you all to sing along with me and the wonderous Chaka Khan and feel fantastic.
*Shrieks “I’m Every Woman”. I know the second line goes a bit wrong and basically it is not ‘all in me’ anymore but still sing along with me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa….