Big Girls Don’t Cry

Well isn’t that song just a merry old load of bollocks. Big Girls Do Cry. Bucket Loads.

Big girls, little girls, medium girls. Everyone cries and thats ok. Sometimes its good to let it all out.

This blog is words. No pictures. I have sat pondering about what images to share with you but nothing fits. So all I have to offer is words. There is no hiding place. It is time this came out. Here goes.

This big girl cries because she is a big girl but let me tell you – there is a change a coming and not just the fact that this girl (ahem cough cough) is turning 42 on Saturday (send all presents through my agent* to avoid too much disruption at my home)

I am finally realising who I am and what I want to do. Well I think so. Fancy coming along for the ride?

My ‘Sliding Doors’ moment I look back on is way back when I was 20. A model scout approached me in Covent Garden and asked me if I had considered modelling. I hadn’t at all but my heart was literally in my mouth as she described how piercing my eyes were and showered me with compliments. I felt like I was floating above the market watching someone else’s life. Such a high I nearly fainted.

I came crashing down to planet silly bitch when she handed me a card to contact her and I can’t recall the exact agency but PLUS stood out. A great big plus sign. It was royal blue glaring out at me and cartoon klaxons were going off in my head. Suddenly I didn’t hear beautiful. I just heard fat. The little saboteur shitbag that lives within me was jumping for joy and doing a right old happy dance as he rained on my parade. I just stood there and let him. On the outside I showed no emotion as I promised to call and then there was a lot of nodding on my part as I kept tears at bay. My Sliding Doors moment would have supportive friends with me who would have seen the positive in this and completely hit me with the enormity of what she was saying. You are beautiful.

Instead I was with two people from my NCTJ course (National Course for the Training of Journalist – I know who knew with all the swearing and shit grammar that I am actually a fully fledged journalist with my own little style of shorthand) who basically laughed in my face. It was honestly one of the most horrific ten minutes of my life. Haunting me to this day and instead of standing up for myself I laughed with them. Fat. So funny. Piercing eyes. Bullshit. Oh how we laughed.

Hilarious. As a Mother or even as just a grown up I understand this now as pure and simply jealousy.

Not once did she imply I was overweight. She was so encouraging. So so lovely. Yet the card felt like it was burning through my bag, through my jeans and sending searing pain into my leg as my ‘friends’ and I walked to the train station and said our goodbyes. There was hugging and air kisses. They went off in another direction giggling. It probably wasn’t about me but I took the stairs instead of the lift at Covent Garden as I just wanted to be out of sight but I could still hear the giggling. I remember thinking it was probably a good thing to take the stairs as I was so fat I needed to. I could hear them laughing. For days. In fact. I can hear it now as I type this. I binned the card on the train and buried it mentally.

Now in my head if I had kept the card and got in contact I would become a world wide supermodel living a life of luxury right now. I know lots of people say they would not change their life for the world but I mean it. I wouldn’t.

BUT

Yep, there is a BUT.

I maybe would tweak it a little.

I would tweak it to remove this battle I have had with myself. It is tiring. Draining. It has taken too much of my life.

I have not won but I have started to fight and that is where this blog comes in. I want to take you on this journey when I learn to appreciate who I am without that sounding too bullshitty.

So. People say I am funny. In my head I used to think (or I am now trying not to think) that people always think fat people are funny. I am starting to realise (mainly because of my slight obsession with Instastories) that I am funny. I mean sometimes I find myself so funny I pee. That has to mean I am hilarious right?

People say I have pretty eyes or a pretty face. In my head they are saying that because I am fat. I realise now that people do not say that to everyone. So maybe the face ain’t so bad. Maybe I should actually look in the mirror. Really look.

So my blog friends and family. I am at a massive turning point in my life. Here is what is going to happen. One step at a time. This is not going to happen overnight. This battle has been with me over half my life and I am not expecting miracles.

I am going to learn to love this body of mine and appreciate who I am. Someone rather fabulous told me last week to Be Kind to myself. I am going to create a print this week and have that in my rather fabulous hallway as a reminder. It is ok to think of myself. It is ok not to be ok. I need to stop being so horrible to myself. If someone was treating one of my kids like this I would kick the shit out of them.

This is where the Instaland @inpolife and this Blog is going to come in to play. I am going to learn to dress this body of mine instead of waiting to lose another 2 stone and hiding away with a huge sense of shame. Instead of embracing the fact I have lost 6 frigging stone since I had my last child. Why have I never celebrated my achievement?? SIX STONE.

I am going to work with stylists I have met through Instagram. We are going to go shopping and they are going to help me learn to appreciate a size 16. Learn to appreciate me myself and I.

I aim to interview and meet with brands to discuss the concept of Plus sizing. I always tell people I am Big. I tell myself I am big. Bigger than who?! Will my children love me more if I lose a stone. What is really going to happen to me if I reach the holy grail of Size 12? Will my life really be so different? Why have I spent so much of my life being so horrible to myself?

I am going to accept and digest compliments. I realise my head space is a little fucked up. I know it but I want to learn. Learn how to manage, to accept, to change.

So this is BIG. I am not BIG. The situation is. Its HUGE. It is fucking GIGANTIC. I really hope you come along for the ride as I have a feeling there is a lot to learn on the way!

*Of course I am kidding. I don’t have an agent so send presents to me at INPO Towers. Send tonnes. Send anything. No seriously, send anything.

INPOx

The Author INPO

15 Comments

Pru Nelson

May 15, 2017 10:34 am

What a wonderful blog post.. I find I never embrace moments I am either thinking of what I didn’t do or wondering what the future has planned, from the next hour, day, year and ten years.. we need to love ourselves now, we need to accept that it’s ok to have a mummy tummy or a big bum or big legs, we are all different ( how boring life would be if we were all a size 8-10. If we want to lose weight we will do it in our own time, however we will do it at our pace, in our own time, how we want to do it.. I’m with you girly! You’re amazing and so inspiring !! Inpo is inspo!!! Xxx

- INPO
  
  May 15, 2017 12:53 pm
  
  Wow thank you so much for your response. That has really made my day. We have to give ourselves a little love!!!
  Learn to love yourself.
  Vx
  
Ellen

May 15, 2017 2:18 pm

You wonderful creature. I love every inch of you. I would have punched their stupid fucking faces.

- INPO
  
  May 15, 2017 2:38 pm
  
  Bloody love you!!
  
Janet

May 15, 2017 4:19 pm

Firstly, MASSIVE well done on losing 6 stone! What an incredible achievement. I have customers who would love to have your figure, everything is relative. The sad thing is almost every woman who walks through our shop door has body issues. Myself, as a big girl, could punch them in the face when they comment their bum/thighs/boobs/arms/tummy look whatever. I applaud you for accepting yourself as you are which is a beautiful lovely person, if you ever fancy a trip to Leamington pop in and see us as we go up to a size 18 so you will be in one of the smaller sizes and would love to see you on IG in some of our styles. Lastly … hate the term plus size when they talk about from a size 14. What the hell is that about

- INPO
  
  May 15, 2017 4:32 pm
  
  Thank you so much for your fabulous comment. You are very kind to take the time. Let me know what the shop is called and I will be sure to pay you a visit on this journey!!!! Huge hugs, well not so huge but you know what I mean!!
  xxx
  
Emily Rollings

May 15, 2017 8:25 pm

Wow Vickie! I needed to read this!! I’m only just starting to realise how much my own particular brand of self criticism has effected my life (nothing like having little kids to lay you bare). Your writing is beautiful and your words are inspiring. You also are very beautiful and seriously funny (your Stories ) . Big love on this journey. Will definitely be following along. Emily x

- INPO
  
  May 16, 2017 7:22 am
  
  Self Love must be one of the hardest life lessons.Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. That really means the world to me.
  Vx
  
Dee

May 16, 2017 2:54 pm

Isn’t it funny how we can get into a mindset where we put life and our wardrobes on hold until we ‘loose’ weight. I’m currently shuffling around in one pair of sad looking jeans and I need more but don’t want to shop. Kudos to you lovely and looking forward to reading your tips and inspiration. Ps can I come shopping too? X

- INPO
  
  May 16, 2017 4:43 pm
  
  Anytime my lovely!!! We can go shopping anytime!!! Thank you xx
  
Anne

May 18, 2017 3:11 pm

You are gorgeous inside and out not many people have that said about them!
Believe in you – look in the mirror and give your hair a little swish xxx

Alice

May 18, 2017 6:04 pm

So much love for you, Vickie. You’re AMAZING and I am so happy that I found you

- INPO
  
  May 26, 2017 10:36 am
  
  Oh Alice that is just the most lovely thing to say. Right back atcha. X
  
Abbie

June 4, 2017 9:41 pm

Wow! My exact emotions. Super post..I’ll be eager for the next. I’m an ashamed size 16 and want to leant to love my body & be positive for myself and my family. X

Ellen

August 12, 2017 3:17 pm

I’m so glad I found you. I too have just returned from a family staycation. You’re right about all if it!
I’m also obsessed with the holy grail of a 2 stone weight loss and being a size 12. By obsession I mean think about it, laugh about it, cry about it, do very little about it.
I can’t wait to see your new fashions, how hard can it be to dress a size 16 body?! I suspect you’re not going to find the answer in H&M. That shop is like a bad ex boyfriend that I can’t stay away from and make me cry every time I go back!
xx