Big Girls Don’t Cry
Well isn’t that song just a merry old load of bollocks. Big Girls Do Cry. Bucket Loads.
Big girls, little girls, medium girls. Everyone cries and thats ok. Sometimes its good to let it all out.
This blog is words. No pictures. I have sat pondering about what images to share with you but nothing fits. So all I have to offer is words. There is no hiding place. It is time this came out. Here goes.
This big girl cries because she is a big girl but let me tell you – there is a change a coming and not just the fact that this girl (ahem cough cough) is turning 42 on Saturday (send all presents through my agent* to avoid too much disruption at my home)
I am finally realising who I am and what I want to do. Well I think so. Fancy coming along for the ride?
My ‘Sliding Doors’ moment I look back on is way back when I was 20. A model scout approached me in Covent Garden and asked me if I had considered modelling. I hadn’t at all but my heart was literally in my mouth as she described how piercing my eyes were and showered me with compliments. I felt like I was floating above the market watching someone else’s life. Such a high I nearly fainted.
I came crashing down to planet silly bitch when she handed me a card to contact her and I can’t recall the exact agency but PLUS stood out. A great big plus sign. It was royal blue glaring out at me and cartoon klaxons were going off in my head. Suddenly I didn’t hear beautiful. I just heard fat. The little saboteur shitbag that lives within me was jumping for joy and doing a right old happy dance as he rained on my parade. I just stood there and let him. On the outside I showed no emotion as I promised to call and then there was a lot of nodding on my part as I kept tears at bay. My Sliding Doors moment would have supportive friends with me who would have seen the positive in this and completely hit me with the enormity of what she was saying. You are beautiful.
Instead I was with two people from my NCTJ course (National Course for the Training of Journalist – I know who knew with all the swearing and shit grammar that I am actually a fully fledged journalist with my own little style of shorthand) who basically laughed in my face. It was honestly one of the most horrific ten minutes of my life. Haunting me to this day and instead of standing up for myself I laughed with them. Fat. So funny. Piercing eyes. Bullshit. Oh how we laughed.
Hilarious. As a Mother or even as just a grown up I understand this now as pure and simply jealousy.
Not once did she imply I was overweight. She was so encouraging. So so lovely. Yet the card felt like it was burning through my bag, through my jeans and sending searing pain into my leg as my ‘friends’ and I walked to the train station and said our goodbyes. There was hugging and air kisses. They went off in another direction giggling. It probably wasn’t about me but I took the stairs instead of the lift at Covent Garden as I just wanted to be out of sight but I could still hear the giggling. I remember thinking it was probably a good thing to take the stairs as I was so fat I needed to. I could hear them laughing. For days. In fact. I can hear it now as I type this. I binned the card on the train and buried it mentally.
Now in my head if I had kept the card and got in contact I would become a world wide supermodel living a life of luxury right now. I know lots of people say they would not change their life for the world but I mean it. I wouldn’t.
Yep, there is a BUT.
I maybe would tweak it a little.
I would tweak it to remove this battle I have had with myself. It is tiring. Draining. It has taken too much of my life.
I have not won but I have started to fight and that is where this blog comes in. I want to take you on this journey when I learn to appreciate who I am without that sounding too bullshitty.
So. People say I am funny. In my head I used to think (or I am now trying not to think) that people always think fat people are funny. I am starting to realise (mainly because of my slight obsession with Instastories) that I am funny. I mean sometimes I find myself so funny I pee. That has to mean I am hilarious right?
People say I have pretty eyes or a pretty face. In my head they are saying that because I am fat. I realise now that people do not say that to everyone. So maybe the face ain’t so bad. Maybe I should actually look in the mirror. Really look.
So my blog friends and family. I am at a massive turning point in my life. Here is what is going to happen. One step at a time. This is not going to happen overnight. This battle has been with me over half my life and I am not expecting miracles.
I am going to learn to love this body of mine and appreciate who I am. Someone rather fabulous told me last week to Be Kind to myself. I am going to create a print this week and have that in my rather fabulous hallway as a reminder. It is ok to think of myself. It is ok not to be ok. I need to stop being so horrible to myself. If someone was treating one of my kids like this I would kick the shit out of them.
This is where the Instaland @inpolife and this Blog is going to come in to play. I am going to learn to dress this body of mine instead of waiting to lose another 2 stone and hiding away with a huge sense of shame. Instead of embracing the fact I have lost 6 frigging stone since I had my last child. Why have I never celebrated my achievement?? SIX STONE.
I am going to work with stylists I have met through Instagram. We are going to go shopping and they are going to help me learn to appreciate a size 16. Learn to appreciate me myself and I.
I aim to interview and meet with brands to discuss the concept of Plus sizing. I always tell people I am Big. I tell myself I am big. Bigger than who?! Will my children love me more if I lose a stone. What is really going to happen to me if I reach the holy grail of Size 12? Will my life really be so different? Why have I spent so much of my life being so horrible to myself?
I am going to accept and digest compliments. I realise my head space is a little fucked up. I know it but I want to learn. Learn how to manage, to accept, to change.
So this is BIG. I am not BIG. The situation is. Its HUGE. It is fucking GIGANTIC. I really hope you come along for the ride as I have a feeling there is a lot to learn on the way!
*Of course I am kidding. I don’t have an agent so send presents to me at INPO Towers. Send tonnes. Send anything. No seriously, send anything.